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1
for the Archives
HOW TO CATCH A GENIUS
Prologue
Professor C. (for Claude) Sidney Magnabrayne, now an associate professor
of forensics at the Covington, Kentucky, Center for The Ohio State Uni-
versity is on campus for two days at Virginia Tech, hereinafter known
as the university, for a faculty interview for a position in the Department
of Urban Forensics. He has just concluded a long and tiring day
that virtually terminates his visit and tomorrow morning his host, Dr.
George A. Blurt who is Chairman of the Department at Virginia Tech, will
hopefully, make his pitch to hire Sid Magnabrayne while driving the
latter to Roanoke to catch his plane.
Our guest has returned to his suite at the Lake Terrace Hilton from
an evening in the home of the Blurts where he was beautifully wined
and dined by the charming Mrs. Blurt. The evening went fine through
dinner, but Blurt, an uncompromising Beethoven buff, was insisting
that his guest endure listening to all those symphonies. Fortunately
for Dr. Magnabrayne, prolonged torture was avoided because of a local
power failure that cut off the record playing in the midst of the
especially redundant Sixth. They did not play the Fifth because they
killed that before dinner. Just about that time, Mrs. Blurt emerged
from the kitchen only to be asked by George to please drive Magnabrayne
back to the motel, because he did not think he should drive so soon
after dinner (or maybe because of what he had before dinner.) Mrs. Blurt
dutifully drives her guest back to the Lake Terrace Hilton. Just as
they arrive at the motel, the town power comes back on and Magnabrayne
says thanks and good night to his charming hostess.
[Page 2]
2
ACT I
Scene 1
Sid Magnabrayne, all alone now, rushes into the motel room to call his
wife, and he's already 10 minutes late on the promised call. As Scene
1 opens, we find Sid leafing the pages in the local phone book for the
Covington, Kentucky Area Code. So he dials 606----then 5-5-5--
then 1-2-1-2. (For those unfamiliar with Long Distance dialing, what
Sid is trying to do is find out his own phone number which was changed
recently---as a matter of fact about 26 months ago.) The number he is
calling will give him his phone number.He knows this from experience.
He begins to speak:
Operator, would you give me the phone number of Dr. C. Sidney Magna--
brayne in Covington Heights............No, I'm sorry I've forgotten the
street address but we're the only Magnabraynes in Covington if I do say
so.......Well thank you operator for your compliment, but we are not the
only Magnabraynes in Kentucky.......I know there are two in Lexington...
.......669-5000; thank you very much operator, it was nice talking to
you too. (The phone in Covington rings.) Tillie? Is that you dear?
This is Claudie......I wanted to tell you about my visit before I went
nighty nite. Yes, dear,....I used the SCOPE......matter of fact I took
an extra swig in the Men's Room just before going in to see the Vice
President.......Oh, he was fine, we talked all hour about Dave Brubeck,
a friend of his, I gathered......No, I didn't find out much about the V.P.,
but I had the sneaking feeling that behind all that Brubeck stuff was
a mental x-ray machine that was tuned on-----and on me.......Hope I'm
okay.......I tell you one thing, Tillie?.......Right, I sure wouldn't
want to get in a poker game with him...........why he'd know every card you
had without even looking!
[Page 3]
Tillie, they say there's 10,000 people here, but it isn't like Broad
Street in Covington, I'll tell you that......Town's dead as a doornail
until about noon, then everyone must get out of his cave and get in his
car to go somewhere.....Traffic’s murder.....Tillie, it's the least bit
primitive........No, I'm not being unfair because I was going to add
that it is also clean. Tillie, the sky is blue, real blue, deep blue,
with beautiful clouds.......They all lit up just before dinner; and
Tillie so was the Chairman; if I had downed what he did I would have
been stoned. Tillie, the country is beautiful here. All this green
grass, no coal smoke, just green grass and big buildings......Most
of the university buildings are stone and they call it N & W Gothic.
.....Ever hear of that in Art School, Tillie? They’ve even got a
lake on the campus. No, I didn't see any boats.
Mrs. Blurt, Oh, Tillie---she's a doll---almost as pretty as you
and nearly as good a cook, but don't....no, no,now don't worry about
my doing that. Tillie, you will love this place. The women go to
parties and play bridge all day long. Sometimes, they go to four
parties a day!.......Think of that, maybe you could gain a little weight
here, you know the doctor said you were too underweight to be healthy.
Sure, there's a DAR and also there a D of C too. No, there isn't
much drinking here, except the Chairman, Dr. Blurt, looks to me like
he might be overdoing it, but maybe he was just testing me. There are
more Women's clubs than I ever heard of. Tillie, what's an inter-
mediate woman? They have a club here. I asked the Dean, and he didn't
know, or said he didn't.......Well the work looks pleasant enough, but
what really sends me is this escalation thing on salaries. The sky's
the limit, Tillie....No telling how far I may go. No we won’t need two
[Page 4]
cars, no need at all. Highland Park, the section I liked best and
which Dr. Blurt recommended strongly, is within sight of the campus.
Sure, I can walk every day, and it will be good for me......You can
have the car every day and just drive from one party to another all
day long. Tillie, a funny thing happened this evening. Old Blurt
got pretty well oiled before dinner, and after dinner pulled me in
to hear his new stereo all loaded up with....Yep, Beethoven....You
know how I despise him. Well just when I was about to die of
boredom, Providence cut off the record player and we were plunged into
darkness. I never recall a power failure anywhere you and I have
lived......When I remarked about it, old Blurt said the other V.P.
had it turned off every now and then just to let the townspeople
know who was running things here. I doubt it is so, but the university
owns the power plant. ......No, Tillie, I haven't yet, I'll make a note
right now to ask Blurt tomorrow while we drive to the airport. I'm
sure they must have a campus school for gifted children. Certainly we
aren't the only university couple with unusual children. I saw the
Town grade schools----sort of ranch style, but I think they are for the
ordinary children. Your church is well established here, pretty snappy
looking church. But there isn't any Unitarian Church that I could find.
They say there are three Baptist churches in this town. Imagine that many
Baptists in a town of 10,000........The Dean, no, he's a Presbyterian.....
Psychology, but he never said what kind........No, he didn't have a couch
in his office. No, he didn't even talk like a psychologist. I met
his wife; she's a honey too, Tillie, and I bet she can keep the Dean in
line. Say, Tillie, you remember the Sunday we drove over to Pikeville
in the Coal Fields and saw all those hill-billies. Well, there's plenty
[Page 5]
of them here, but these ones are kind of quaint and cute. One I saw
couldn't have had his hat off in 10 years! Yep, they let 'em run loose,
so far as I could tell.
Tillie, we will not be making much more money here at least until we
escalate a bit, but they say living is cheap. I asked several faculty
men and all of them said food was very cheap here. Cigarettes they said
were high, but food was low. I didn't get into any supermarkets but
I think they were telling me the truth. One even said he hadn't
increased his wife's allowance for food in 10 years: Maybe being at
the end of the line so to speak, things are cheaper here. Well the
newspapers cannot measure up to the Enquirer, Tillie. I saw one
Roanoke paper, picked it up and happened to look at the back page
and thought I had hold of a copy of the Policemen's Gazette's
a joke, Tillie. The County paper you wouldn't believe if I told you
about it, but I'm bringing home a couple of copies. The editorial
page is a riot. You could act some of the letters out and get thrown in
jail. I surmise there's as much hostility between the county seat
and Blacksburg as there is between Cincinnati and Covington. No,
you have to take the Richmond paper to get the daily Peanuts.
I know it will be a bit primitive here, Tillie, but remember it's clean,
really clean. Now I know it is going to be tough being away from Cinnsy
and Mother and Daddy, but look at it this way---we will only be 2 hours
from Covington and Cinnsy. You and I can buzz back here many times on
week-ends in the President's plane. They says he's about to buy a Lear
Jet. Imagine flying to Cinnsy sitting in the President's seat with you
beside me.-......Of course, there's culture here!.....They had the
Beach Boys, Lionel Hampton, and Dave Brinkley all here in the same Month.
[Page 6]
6
No, I didn't notice the girls here....now you know I never think about
things like that. All I can say they are scarce, but I hear they are moving
in a big contingent of women this fall.......Well, if it is that imbalanced,
I'm sure that H E W will bring them into line.
There's a big future here in forensics; even a lot of the faculty need
coaching........It's okay then for me to accept tomorrow, honey? Well,
that's sweet of you and I trust your judgment too, dear. Don't forget now,
meet me at the airport at 3:10. Bye! Bye!
[Page 7]
7
Scene 2
(In Blurt's study) George Blurt dashes for the phone the moment the
power failure is over and calls his Dean to get final clearance on
talking turkey with Sid Magnabrayne. Blurt is fed up with trying to
recruit a forensics professor; this is the fourth one he's had here
in a month; and the other three were dolts. Magnabrayne is a decent
chap, a bit mousy, but decent;.....never said a thing out of the way
in two whole days. Sure hope the Dean goes along with a good salary for
Sid.....he'll need one with six gifted kids. Let 'em raise hell out
in Highland Park, McBryde Village ought to be a safe distance away
from the little monsters. Blurt dials 552-2885, and a cheery voice
answers.
“ Wynn, this is Gabby Blurt, ....may I speak to Les, please?.....Hello,;
Les? This is Gabby! I'm calling about this chap Magnabrayne we had
here for this new spot in forensics.....Sure, I'm sure we have a position
for forensics.....Yep, I double checked. Did you like Magnabrayne?
How'd he strike you?.........I know he didn't strike you....Please, Dean,
I'm tired, don't kid around......I said did you like Sid Magnabrayne...
Yeh, Magnabrayne from Ohio State?........How could I be expected to know how
Covington, Kentucky, got a branch of Ohio State! The fact is they did,
and Magnabrayne's there, and he's done a good job teaching those Ohio
wetbacks how to behave in open discussions. No, now I didn't! Of
course not! Now, Dean, you cannot ask a prospective faculty member a
personal question like that. He's got academic freedom, you know.....
Okay, I know we need more Democrats for better balance, but don't depend on
me to do it all, Dean....Remember, I've hired four darned Demos in a row,
and I do not want to be known as a party man.........No, no, no let's
[Page 8]
8
not get off on the subject of any of my parties. Let's talk about
Magnabrayne....No, they were not wild, no I did not do that. Now
about Sid Magnabrayne, Dean, I think he's a comer!.. I beg your
pardon Dean, I didn't say swinger, I said comer. You know you're
being kind of rough on me tonight......Yes, yes, I know one of his
plays was banned by the Catholic Church, but so was Tom Jones and you
really raved over that. Oh, yes your did. I noted it and wrote it
down in my diary that you did. Now, Magnabrayne has this consultancy
in the Cincinnati Dramatics Society production opening in the Spring,
and Sid's going to have to go back to Cincinnati every other Saturday
and stay with it for six months until things are past dress rehearsal.
......The question he asked was: can he use the President's plane
on week-ends if Cinnsy picks up the tab on it, or would he have to
fly Piedmont?................Well, I'll be darned. You're joking.
.....No foolin'.......Aw, come on, Les, quit kidding me....Really?
Now let me write that down. Piedmont's coming into Blacksburg July
1. A new jet runway? ......Where will it go?....Across the
campus? ....Oh, down past Henry Heth's house at Whitethorn!...Jet
service with special faculty rates? Well, there's no limit to what
Marshall can do. Wonderful. Now about Magnabrayne's consultancy,
you have no objection? Of course, I don't have any questions about
his going to Cinnsy every other Saturday just for play practice. You
psychologists read something into every act; its a professional
obligation. Now you saw Sid Magnabrayne, he's no Errol Flynn. Now
what's King Farouk got to do with it. Magnabrayne is a thin man.
Now do I have your support on the offer I outlined I would like to make
to Magnabrayne when we went over his vita.......Well why not?.......
[Page 9]
9
What's wrong with that? Lots of men marry older women. Two years is
not so much difference. Anyway, she probably shaves a little off her
age when she talks to other women........No, I did not conceal the
fact his father was a Mormon. It's right on his vita. No, Dean,
just because he's a Mormon doesn't mean he's a bigamist even by our
standards!.....Just look at George Romney! Sorry about that Dean,
I did not mean to bring up Republicans again, it just slipped out.
Now, can't we forget the stab about one of my parties when I got a
little out of hand. I apologized.......No, that is not correct, Dean.
.......No...........No........I probably buy less in the C-burg
ABC store than any other department head.....No, I'm including him.
........Well, I think its the right thing to do, if you buy it in
Roanoke, nobody knows about it up here......I'm willing to drop
it if you are, and I hope you are, Dean......Now about Magnabrayne,
did you know he has an I. Q. of 190....One of his old professors wrote
me about it........Well, I'm sorry I didn't mention it to you sooner,
but we have so many smart people in our department that I sort of took
it for granted that you would know he was way up there. Well, now,
that's fine. Your going along with me on Sid Magnabrayne is something
you will not regret. Dean, hasn't this been an exciting year for
recruiting so many real scholars? Well, thanks! I try to do my job the
best I can with Myrtle's help. Good night, sir!
[Page 10]
10
Epilogue
Now every case of faculty recruitment does not go as smoothly as
this one. The decisive factors in faculty interviews are unpre-
dictable. We men cannot take all the credit for the success. We
cannot take more than half the credit, probably not even half.
Well, possibly we should have some credit. But we would not be
able to win these men over without your efforts. You are all
real charmers.
Who can say that Mrs. Blurt may not have rendered the telling
act of consummate kindness in driving Sid Magnabrayne back to his
motel after the power went off. You know she just could have called
the Vice President and asked him to cut the power off and thereby
end those awful Beethoven symphonies. Sort of funny the way that
power came on just as she drove her guest up to the motel. He could
have stalked out of the house and headed back for Covington if that power
had not gone off during the playing of the redundant Sixth. Or perhaps
something she said about Blacksburg just convinced Sid Magnabrayne
that B-burg was the place for his Tillie and their six geniuses.
Remember, Sid Magnabrayne just could be President here some day,
and if my surmises are true, wouldn't Myrtle Blurt have a reason to smile
knowing that she helped get old Sid Magnabrayne to sign. We will never
know, and perhaps for us men it is well that we will not ever know.
Suffice it to say---it take's a heap o' doin' to recruit a brilliant
staff member and do it in such a way that he never knows what hit him.
To you ladies: We need your ever-lovin' help if we are to continue to:
Wine 'em--------Dine 'em-------and Sign 'em
Thank you.
[Page 11]
Lines for Side Magnabrayne
Narrator READS PROLOGUE Cue line in narration: Sid Magnabrayne--all
alone now---
Enter from kitchen and head for table with telephone on it, finger
local phone directory for area codes. Dial 606-555-1212 with authority.
This number is Long Distance Information for the Covington-Cincinnati
Wait until narrator says :"He (that's-you) begins to speak." You begin
and continue through your monologue:
Operator, would you give me the telephone number of Dr. C. Sidney Magna-
brayne in Covington Heights?.....(pause).... No, I'm sorry I've forgotten
the street address, but we are the only Magnabraynes in Covington, if I
do say so.......(pause)..... Well, thank you operator for your compliment,
but we are not the only Magnabraynes in Kentucky...(pause)... There are
a couple of Magnabraynes in Lexington....(pause).... 669-5000. Yes,
operator, ..... it was nice talking to you!
(You pick up the phone and dial 606-669-5000 --- your Covington phone number.
"Tillie?........ Is that you dear? ....... This is Claudie ........ I
wanted to tell you about my visit here before I go nightie night ......
Yes, dear, .... I used the SCOPE ...... matter of fact I took an extra
swig of it in the Men's Room just before going into the V.P.'s office.
....... Oh, he was fine .......... we talked all hour about Dave Brubeck,
a friend of his, I gathered ........... No, I didn't find out much about
the Vice President, but behind all that Dave Brubeck stuff was a mental
x-ray machine that was turned on ....... turned on me ...... Hope I
passed okay ........ I tell you one thing, Tillie, ....... I sure
wouldn't want to get in a poker game with the V.P. ........ why he'd know
every card in your hand without even looking.